My favorite book? I'm glad you asked. My favorite book of all time is, hands down, A Little Princess.
But, Chelsea, that's a children's book! Isn't there something more... well... sophisticated?
Of course. I also love The Scarlett Pimpernell, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Wheel of Time, and Jane Eyre. Delightful stories, all. Well, maybe Dorian Gray is not really a delightful story, but it is fantastically well-written.
Here's the basic plot of A Little Princess: A little rich girl gets sent to a boarding school in England by her father who loves her very much and wants to get her out of the Indian air which is supposedly bad for children. While she is there, she is spoiled and pampered by all things money can buy. However, she is a very smart girl who excels at her studies regardless of the treatment. She gets word on her birthday that her father has died, and, for political reasons, the owner of the boarding house turns her into a scullery maid. She is insulted, starved, and worked almost to death. A few years later, an old gentleman next door takes pity on her and improves her life. It turns out that he is actually looking for her, though he didn't realize she was the one he sought. He was friends with her father and took control of the fortune that should have been Sara's. Once he realizes who he has been silently benefacting, he takes her in and restores to her what was rightfully hers.
So why do I like it so? Sara Crewe herself is the reason I like it. She is true to herself, to the best of herself, in any circumstance. When she is spoiled and pampered, she is kind and generous. She works hard. She wonders and imagines what it would be like to be poor and to have a difficult life. She sets herself apart, not because of her riches, but because of who she is. Her riches complement her personality, rather than the other way around. When she is a poor, starving servant girl, she again rises to the best that is in her. She is unfailingly polite, and kind, and instead turns her imagination to a higher purpose. Rather than imagining that she still has money, she imagines that she is a princess. And in her mind, being a princess means acting out of the best that is in her. She would not give in to her temper; she would not wallow in self-pity. She would give all that she has to give, even when all she has is a quiet "please" and "thank-you" for the crust of bread she is given for dinner.
I have always admired that sort of unfailing optimism, and commitment to goodness, and the view that things can always be made better by one's own thinking.
Would that I, too, can be such a Princess.
Showing posts with label Self-improvement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-improvement. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A Good Mom
I love my little girl. I love her smiles, her joy, her innocence. I truly don't mind the dirty diapers, the spit-ups, or the... well, what else is there to mind, really? She's just so fun.
And yet, the thought of going through pregnancy and birth again terrifies me. I will do it, because I have more children that need me, that need our family. I will love them, too. I do love them. I want them in our lives.
How do I explain this? My pregnancy experience was easy, compared to many that I have heard. I threw up maybe 5 times during the whole thing. One of those times I was a week or so before giving birth, and it was because I was truly sick. Another time I was carsick and that was just amplified by the pregnancy. My worst complaints, really, were feeling tired and unable to move. I will admit that my back got thrown out of whack at some point, and it still troubles me to this day, but other than that, I had very few problems.
Delivery was the same way. I was induced, somewhat against my will, but overall I believe things went very well. I didn't ask for any drugs. I didn't scream. I tore a little bit, but it wasn't anything drastic. The nurses all said I did a fantastic job. Technically, the record says my delivery lasted 7 hours, but the first 5 hours of that I was on pitocin which didn't do much of anything. I felt irregular contractions similar to the ones that I had been feeling for weeks. Ryan and I played games and watched a movie. There was no pain. From the time the midwife broke my water (and the pain began) to the time Cara was born was a scant 2 hours. It only felt like an hour, to me. An exhausting hour, to be sure, but an hour nonetheless.
So here's the thing... with such ease in both pregnancy and delivery, why am I so terrified? I am sitting here right now, four months later, fighting tears at the thought that I will have to do this again. Every story I have read from mothers, every mother I have talked to, have all made it seem a much more joyous experience than I could extract from my own. One girl even said that the day after giving birth, she thought to herself, "I could do that again." The day after!
The world is filled with evidence that my feelings either do not last or are not normal. There are so many families with more than one child. I want that. I want a big happy family. I am excited to be Mom, to help my children learn and grow and experience and to know that whenever life is hard, they have a family that loves them, and that helps. I just... I can't stomach the idea of going through that again. Sometimes I think I could deal with the pregnancy, but I follow it through to the idea of giving birth and I lose my nerve.
Of course, then I wonder what is wrong with me. The people I most admire in this life are those that can take joy in the hard things in life. I don't mean those that are masochistic in any way, or those that fake joy. I mean the ones that can look at hard situations and see true goodness. My own mother, for instance, said her children never had "terrible twos". Her children were all "terrific twos". This has nothing to do with us as children. Two-year-olds are two-year-olds, no matter how you slice it. But she knew how to control or channel the difficult behaviors and was instead able to focus on the fact that it was a stage of such learning, and growth, and discovery.
Along the same lines is the blog of a woman that I really admire. I've never met her, but I am coming to know her through her posts. She is a Mother Poet. She seemed to get a euphoric high out of pregnancy, giving birth, and nursing. She loved them all. She recently wrote about being in the next stage of life, the stage after giving birth and instead giving life. She looked back at the childbearing years with nostalgia. I, instead, look forward to them with dread. I can't wait to get to the point when I can put childbearing behind me. There is so much more to do with life; pregnancy seems to just put everything on hold.
I am a good Mom. I am a good person. I tell myself this to get through the emotions that plague me. Sometimes I even believe it.
What can I tell myself to help me gain the courage to bring the rest of my family into this world?
And yet, the thought of going through pregnancy and birth again terrifies me. I will do it, because I have more children that need me, that need our family. I will love them, too. I do love them. I want them in our lives.
How do I explain this? My pregnancy experience was easy, compared to many that I have heard. I threw up maybe 5 times during the whole thing. One of those times I was a week or so before giving birth, and it was because I was truly sick. Another time I was carsick and that was just amplified by the pregnancy. My worst complaints, really, were feeling tired and unable to move. I will admit that my back got thrown out of whack at some point, and it still troubles me to this day, but other than that, I had very few problems.
Delivery was the same way. I was induced, somewhat against my will, but overall I believe things went very well. I didn't ask for any drugs. I didn't scream. I tore a little bit, but it wasn't anything drastic. The nurses all said I did a fantastic job. Technically, the record says my delivery lasted 7 hours, but the first 5 hours of that I was on pitocin which didn't do much of anything. I felt irregular contractions similar to the ones that I had been feeling for weeks. Ryan and I played games and watched a movie. There was no pain. From the time the midwife broke my water (and the pain began) to the time Cara was born was a scant 2 hours. It only felt like an hour, to me. An exhausting hour, to be sure, but an hour nonetheless.
So here's the thing... with such ease in both pregnancy and delivery, why am I so terrified? I am sitting here right now, four months later, fighting tears at the thought that I will have to do this again. Every story I have read from mothers, every mother I have talked to, have all made it seem a much more joyous experience than I could extract from my own. One girl even said that the day after giving birth, she thought to herself, "I could do that again." The day after!
The world is filled with evidence that my feelings either do not last or are not normal. There are so many families with more than one child. I want that. I want a big happy family. I am excited to be Mom, to help my children learn and grow and experience and to know that whenever life is hard, they have a family that loves them, and that helps. I just... I can't stomach the idea of going through that again. Sometimes I think I could deal with the pregnancy, but I follow it through to the idea of giving birth and I lose my nerve.
Of course, then I wonder what is wrong with me. The people I most admire in this life are those that can take joy in the hard things in life. I don't mean those that are masochistic in any way, or those that fake joy. I mean the ones that can look at hard situations and see true goodness. My own mother, for instance, said her children never had "terrible twos". Her children were all "terrific twos". This has nothing to do with us as children. Two-year-olds are two-year-olds, no matter how you slice it. But she knew how to control or channel the difficult behaviors and was instead able to focus on the fact that it was a stage of such learning, and growth, and discovery.
Along the same lines is the blog of a woman that I really admire. I've never met her, but I am coming to know her through her posts. She is a Mother Poet. She seemed to get a euphoric high out of pregnancy, giving birth, and nursing. She loved them all. She recently wrote about being in the next stage of life, the stage after giving birth and instead giving life. She looked back at the childbearing years with nostalgia. I, instead, look forward to them with dread. I can't wait to get to the point when I can put childbearing behind me. There is so much more to do with life; pregnancy seems to just put everything on hold.
I am a good Mom. I am a good person. I tell myself this to get through the emotions that plague me. Sometimes I even believe it.
What can I tell myself to help me gain the courage to bring the rest of my family into this world?
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Long Haul
Last week I didn't feel like I did well at all with the weight loss thing. I had a hard time exercising, and my eating habits were all over the place. By Friday I had resigned myself to either not losing anything or, possibly, gaining a little bit back. I kicked up my efforts a little bit Saturday and Sunday, and figured it was okay because I was ahead a little bit on my schedule anyway. Of course, this got me thinking about what it really means to lose weight. One of my favorite parts of the Dr. Phil book is when he talks about habits. See, it takes a long time to get fat. Consequently, you can't expect to get thin overnight. It's definitely easier to get fat than thin, but better to get thin (by being healthy and making good choices). Hence, if I'm going to do this right, I am in it for the long haul, and I'm okay with that.
Also, I would like to fulfill a couple of assignments in Dr. Phil's book. The first is to fantasize. I love this part. The instructions are to dream about what you would like to feel once you have attained your goal. You see, losing weight is not about how you look. In the innermost heart, you don't care what you look like. You care about how you feel. So this is what I want:
A. I want to slide right into my size 10 jeans without it turning into the pants dance. I don't want to jump, do squats to stretch them, or lay down to flatten my belly enough to squeeze those buttons closed. I want to finish buttoning my pants and not feel like a muffin that has exploded over the sides of the pan. I want to put on my shirts and not have to worry so much about the unsightly bulges. I want to feel like I can walk into my closet and put on any of my clothes and be both decent and attractive. I want to go shopping for clothes and not feel like I am completely out of place because nothing there was meant to fit somebody of my shape and size.
B. I want to know that I have control of my body- before I have my next child. I feel almost certain that if I lapse into complacency now, after having gained 20 unwarranted pounds, that each subsequent child will gain me another 20 pounds and I will never again find the will and control or even the desire to be the healthiest, best me I can be. I want to know that I can control my weight and my body. I want to know that I can orchestrate my life such that I can eath well and take the time to exercise, not only for me, but also for my family.
C. I want to feel like I can move. There's something delicious about being in shape, and strong, and flexible. I love being able to do physical labor, to get on a horse, to get down on the ground and up again with ease. When I am strong and flexible, I get a little thrill every time I bend over to touch the ground and my legs remain straight.
The second assignment is to analyze your eating habits. Basically, you answer the five questions you would ask of any journalist on any random story.
How: I tend to eat without thinking about what I'm doing. I enjoy doing other things while eating: reading, working on the computer, or even watching movies. Often I eat while feeding Cara. However, I have become more aware of the eating process.
Where: This is difficult for me right now, as we don't have a table and we eat on stools at a bar. Hence, I tend to eat on the couch or the computer chair, especially when Ryan is not at home.
What: I have actually been getting better at this. I have incorporated more fruits, vegetables, and proteins into my diet, which is good. Unfortunately, I also still eat grains in disproportionate amounts.
Why: Food is comfort for me. One of my favorite activities has always been to sit down with a book and a bowl of dry cereal. And I'll often go back for another bowl or two. I eat when I am stressed. In fact, right now as I write this, I feel myself getting stressed and my first thought is what we have in the pantry...
When: I like to sleep. And lay in bed and read books. Plus, I have to feed Cara. Hence, I often don't eat breakfast until 10 in the morning, which throws the rest of my eating schedule off for the day.
I'm sure much of this looks unnecessary and irrelevant, but I have always enjoyed figuring out exact problems and then taking practical measures to fix them. On the plus side, since going through this plan the first time, and losing 20 pounds with it, I have become much more aware of my eating habits. I need to master as many of them as possible if I am to be truly healthy. And this journey may take my entire life, with periods of ups and downs. Right now is an up, and I will learn as much as I can.
Also, I would like to fulfill a couple of assignments in Dr. Phil's book. The first is to fantasize. I love this part. The instructions are to dream about what you would like to feel once you have attained your goal. You see, losing weight is not about how you look. In the innermost heart, you don't care what you look like. You care about how you feel. So this is what I want:
A. I want to slide right into my size 10 jeans without it turning into the pants dance. I don't want to jump, do squats to stretch them, or lay down to flatten my belly enough to squeeze those buttons closed. I want to finish buttoning my pants and not feel like a muffin that has exploded over the sides of the pan. I want to put on my shirts and not have to worry so much about the unsightly bulges. I want to feel like I can walk into my closet and put on any of my clothes and be both decent and attractive. I want to go shopping for clothes and not feel like I am completely out of place because nothing there was meant to fit somebody of my shape and size.
B. I want to know that I have control of my body- before I have my next child. I feel almost certain that if I lapse into complacency now, after having gained 20 unwarranted pounds, that each subsequent child will gain me another 20 pounds and I will never again find the will and control or even the desire to be the healthiest, best me I can be. I want to know that I can control my weight and my body. I want to know that I can orchestrate my life such that I can eath well and take the time to exercise, not only for me, but also for my family.
C. I want to feel like I can move. There's something delicious about being in shape, and strong, and flexible. I love being able to do physical labor, to get on a horse, to get down on the ground and up again with ease. When I am strong and flexible, I get a little thrill every time I bend over to touch the ground and my legs remain straight.
The second assignment is to analyze your eating habits. Basically, you answer the five questions you would ask of any journalist on any random story.
How: I tend to eat without thinking about what I'm doing. I enjoy doing other things while eating: reading, working on the computer, or even watching movies. Often I eat while feeding Cara. However, I have become more aware of the eating process.
Where: This is difficult for me right now, as we don't have a table and we eat on stools at a bar. Hence, I tend to eat on the couch or the computer chair, especially when Ryan is not at home.
What: I have actually been getting better at this. I have incorporated more fruits, vegetables, and proteins into my diet, which is good. Unfortunately, I also still eat grains in disproportionate amounts.
Why: Food is comfort for me. One of my favorite activities has always been to sit down with a book and a bowl of dry cereal. And I'll often go back for another bowl or two. I eat when I am stressed. In fact, right now as I write this, I feel myself getting stressed and my first thought is what we have in the pantry...
When: I like to sleep. And lay in bed and read books. Plus, I have to feed Cara. Hence, I often don't eat breakfast until 10 in the morning, which throws the rest of my eating schedule off for the day.
I'm sure much of this looks unnecessary and irrelevant, but I have always enjoyed figuring out exact problems and then taking practical measures to fix them. On the plus side, since going through this plan the first time, and losing 20 pounds with it, I have become much more aware of my eating habits. I need to master as many of them as possible if I am to be truly healthy. And this journey may take my entire life, with periods of ups and downs. Right now is an up, and I will learn as much as I can.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Burden of Omission
"The only things I regret from the past are the things I didn't do."
These words were spoken to me by a 17 year old girl who had no idea the impact they would have on my life or how they would stick with me. She had spent too much of her high school life going to parties, sneaking out of the house, and not doing her homework. She was in the process of trying to turn herself around, and made that statement in regards to the things that she knew she was supposed to do. The interesting thing, to me, is that with all the things that she had in her past, all the mistakes she had made, she only regretted the things she had failed to do.
In the Church, we often talk about what it means to sin. We all know the basics: Don't drink. Don't swear. Don't wear immodest clothes. Don't kill, steal, worship false idols, or lie. These would all be sins of commission- things we do that we aren't supposed to. Of course, we also talk about the things we should do: Be kind and loving. Study your scriptures. Pray always. Go to Church. Fulfill your responsibilities. To not do these things would be sins of omission.
We all know the consequences of sins of commission. First, there are temporal consequences. We find ourselves in some kind of bondage, be it inappropriate friendships, addictions, jail, etc. There are also spiritual consequences. We are unable to see clearly, to feel the Spirit, to know the goodness within us or around us.
But lately, I have begun to feel the consequences of sins of omission. I'm not sure that "sin" is exactly the right word for such a circumstance, but then, I don't know everything. We have all heard that nowhere is there a gravestone that says, "I wish I would have worked more." In the end, the things that really matter are people, truth, and goodness. In the end of things, or even in the middle of things, I will never wish that I had spent more time watching tv, more time on the internet, or even more time playing solitaire. In the end, I will wish that I had loved more, taught more, and experienced more. I will either wish that I had taken better care of myself or be grateful that I had taken the time I needed to take to be healthy. I will either wish that my kids knew more and were better prepared, or I will be grateful that they are capable and know that they are loved. I will either wish I had done more with my time, or I will be able to look back and say, "I did everything I could. I didn't know how I could do any better than I did. And, as I did, I learned and became able to do more and to do better." In the end, I will either have fulfilled dreams and goals, or I would have wished that I could have dreamed and made goals.
I am 26 years old right now, hopefully not yet at the halfway point in my life. I have a few goals, and many dreams, and the biggest of those have begun to be fulfilled. Yet, I have a whole life still ahead of me. I have hundreds of days, thousands of hours yet to be filled. How will I fill them? What kinds of activities will lead to the day when I can look back on my life and be satisfied? How can I come to the point when I both hear, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," and can be able to accept it with grace because I know in my heart that, while my life was not perfect, it truly was the best I could give? Such a moment, I think, would be far greater than I now understand.
These words were spoken to me by a 17 year old girl who had no idea the impact they would have on my life or how they would stick with me. She had spent too much of her high school life going to parties, sneaking out of the house, and not doing her homework. She was in the process of trying to turn herself around, and made that statement in regards to the things that she knew she was supposed to do. The interesting thing, to me, is that with all the things that she had in her past, all the mistakes she had made, she only regretted the things she had failed to do.
In the Church, we often talk about what it means to sin. We all know the basics: Don't drink. Don't swear. Don't wear immodest clothes. Don't kill, steal, worship false idols, or lie. These would all be sins of commission- things we do that we aren't supposed to. Of course, we also talk about the things we should do: Be kind and loving. Study your scriptures. Pray always. Go to Church. Fulfill your responsibilities. To not do these things would be sins of omission.
We all know the consequences of sins of commission. First, there are temporal consequences. We find ourselves in some kind of bondage, be it inappropriate friendships, addictions, jail, etc. There are also spiritual consequences. We are unable to see clearly, to feel the Spirit, to know the goodness within us or around us.
But lately, I have begun to feel the consequences of sins of omission. I'm not sure that "sin" is exactly the right word for such a circumstance, but then, I don't know everything. We have all heard that nowhere is there a gravestone that says, "I wish I would have worked more." In the end, the things that really matter are people, truth, and goodness. In the end of things, or even in the middle of things, I will never wish that I had spent more time watching tv, more time on the internet, or even more time playing solitaire. In the end, I will wish that I had loved more, taught more, and experienced more. I will either wish that I had taken better care of myself or be grateful that I had taken the time I needed to take to be healthy. I will either wish that my kids knew more and were better prepared, or I will be grateful that they are capable and know that they are loved. I will either wish I had done more with my time, or I will be able to look back and say, "I did everything I could. I didn't know how I could do any better than I did. And, as I did, I learned and became able to do more and to do better." In the end, I will either have fulfilled dreams and goals, or I would have wished that I could have dreamed and made goals.
I am 26 years old right now, hopefully not yet at the halfway point in my life. I have a few goals, and many dreams, and the biggest of those have begun to be fulfilled. Yet, I have a whole life still ahead of me. I have hundreds of days, thousands of hours yet to be filled. How will I fill them? What kinds of activities will lead to the day when I can look back on my life and be satisfied? How can I come to the point when I both hear, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," and can be able to accept it with grace because I know in my heart that, while my life was not perfect, it truly was the best I could give? Such a moment, I think, would be far greater than I now understand.
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