Princess in Progress

Journal Entry

2012-01-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

Since getting married, I haven't done as much writing as I used to do. I've done a lot more blogging, but for some reason I think that spilling my emotions onto a piece of paper is somehow immature. I view it as a sign of distrust for my partner. Before I had him, so often all I had was paper. I need him to know, and I need me to know, that I trust him with everything.

Today, though, I was upset. Then, I was stupid. It's funny how often I get stupid when I'm upset. I went to my usual antidepressant: food. After eating two days' worth of calories in one sitting and watching an hour and a half of silly tv shows on the internet, I finally calmed down enough to think my way logically through the upset and subsequent stupid. As often happens, I got a little depressed about the stupid.

Then, as always, I got into a battle with myself. You see, the depressed wanted to turn into resignation and acceptance of my inadequate self and my un-shining fate. That fought with my ever-present but relatively unsupported sense of determination and belief that I can be better than what I am.

I need to be different. I need to do things differently, to reach my goals, to be fulfilled, to be happy. Perhaps I need to start writing again. This won't be my journal writing... that's for posterity and obedience. This writing is strictly for me, for processing, for living and loving who I am. It's remarkable how hard those two things are.

On a happy note, I bought a pair of jeans on Saturday. It was the fastest, happiest shopping trip I've ever had. I found a pair of jeans at Sears for half their original price. Size 12 looked like it might fit me, so I dared to try them. They slid on nicely, fit beautifully, and were more comfortable than any jeans I've worn in years. It's a step in the right direction.

2011

2012-01-02T11:29:00.000-08:00

Last year was an interesting year, health-wise. I began the year pregnant, which precluded any weight loss. I then had a baby, which meant learning to live with two children. The first three months were all about healing and dealing with not enough sleep. During that time, though, I did buy an exercise bike, which I have been faithfully using several times a week since then.

I also started being more strict with myself in my diet. I eat more fresh vegetables, and limit my intake of white grains and sugars. With those efforts, I have lost 20 pounds.

My overriding goal for last year was to eat two desserts per week. I did really well until Christmas. The plethora of sweets surrounding me, combined with a lack of my own kitchen, my own cooking, and my own comfort foods, led to disastrous results. I did like the goal, though. It was doable, and it worked to decrease my desire for sweets.

This year, I will continue with my goal of only eating two desserts per week. This year, maybe I can make it through Christmas. I will change one thing, though. The words of the goal will not change: My goal is to eat no more than two desserts each week. As an underlying strategy, however, I will try to eat one very small dessert at the beginning of the week. The idea is that by eating a cookie or a piece of candy, I will be barring myself from eating two large bowls of ice cream, thus cutting the amount of calories I consume each week. It's a good plan, I think.

Stay tuned!

Halfway There!!!

2010-09-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Woohoo! I've reached 250,000 steps! I'm halfway to my jewelry! And I'm already drooling over it... planning what I'm going to get. It's fun.

Stepping

2010-08-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

So, in case you were wondering, I'm counting steps. I bought myself a little pedometer, and I have a couple of goals. My ultimate goal is to reach 500,000 steps. This will earn me a new piece of jewelry. My standard for every day is 5,000 steps. My goal is 10,000 every day. I usually make that goal twice a week when I go walking with a friend.

So far, it's helped. I know it's not burning mega calories or anything, but I feel more fit, it keeps me moving more than usual, and Ryan often goes with me to the park in the evening to finish up whatever I'm missing. I've heard that, in order to be healthy, we're supposed to get 10,000 steps per day. That's kinda tough for a stay-at-home mom, really. Yes, you're moving all day, but you're also having to be down at the kid's level, and most of my activity is mental rather than physical. I have to make a conscious effort to get my 5,000 steps every day. If I don't, I frequently end up with only a thousand or so. It's amazing, really, given how much I do in a day, that I'm just not getting that much exercise. Hence, the pedometer helps. I'll probably use it at various times throughout my life.

A New Culture

2010-05-18T20:40:00.001-07:00

I grew up hating my body and thinking I was fat. Part of that had to do with the fact that I was tall- much taller than all of the girls and the boys my age. That is, at least, until I reached high school. Then at least some of the girls were taller than me, though most were still skinnier. Part of it, too, had to do with the fact that my mom always complained about her body.

For those of you who know my mom, you know that she is quite skinny, and always has been. She is tall, but has small bones. She isn't a muscle machine fitness guru, and she has some natural life scars... Pregnancy, for example, left her with the normal extra skin around her midsection that she often complains about. Genetically, too, our family tends to carry weight there, and so that was her normal area of attack when she complained. However, overall she is very fit, very strong, she exercises regularly and eats well, and she is generally a fabulous woman with a fabulous body.

As a young girl who didn't know any better, I believed her when she said that she was fat. This, naturally, skewed my perception of myself. Because I was fatter and bigger than all my little friends, and my mom was either the same size as or skinnier than her friends, I felt even worse about my body.

Quick anecdote that I have to laugh over a little bit now: When I was quite young, my very best friend in the whole world was a very smart, very athletic, very short and petite and beautiful girl. Why she was friends with me I'm still not entirely sure. Anyway, I used to complain to her that I was fat. She very nicely said that I was not fat... I was only chubby. I was grateful to her and for a long time thought of myself as chubby.

During my teenage years, I came to realize that most girls think of themselves as fat. This was always difficult for me to hear. "How can you say you are fat as you stand there looking in the mirror at yourself in your skinny clothes when I am sitting over here and obviously bigger than you? If you, who are so beautiful, are fat, then what on earth am I? I must be truly horrendous to behold!" Of course, as I matured I began to understand that this attitude is ingrained by a culture of skinny-obsessed models, actresses, gyms, weight-loss programs, and clothing sizes.

Now, I am not fat. I have too much fat on my body, I admit. And, according to the BMI scale, I am obese. Anyone who looks at me can see that I am not obese. I have need of more exercise and less sugar in my diet. I am working on that. I also have need of a chest-reduction surgery. Perhaps that will come. In the meantime, I have specific plans in place and in effect that are helping me to have the best body I can.

But the point of this post is this: Cara deserves better. She deserves better thoughts of herself, better thoughts of her mother, and better thoughts of others. She deserves a culture that is more interested in moving her body for the simple joy of moving, in eating healthy food because it tastes good, and in looking in the mirror without disgust every day for the image reflected back to her.

As her mother, the best thing I can think to do is to make this pledge:

I will do my very best to like my body for what it is. I will try to enjoy and take care of my body. I will not speak unkindly of my looks, or of hers, or of anyone else's. I will learn to participate in and enjoy exercise and to incorporate it regularly into my life. I will learn to cook and eat vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and meats in good proportions and in a timely manner. I will learn to be happy in this lifestyle and to enjoy not only the benefits but also the process of having a healthy body and a healthy outlook on wellness.

Perhaps I can help her to cultivate healthy attitudes where I developed unhealthy ones.

P.S. I do not mean to demean my Mom in this post. She is wonderful, and part of her bodily concern has helped her to stay fit and trim over the years. I wish I could have the strength that she does.

The Benefits of a New House

2010-04-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I like my new house.

In the master bathroom, there is a mirror. This mirror is, I believe, tilted down ever so slightly. This has the marvelous effect of making my waist look significantly smaller than it actually is. It's a good feeling every morning.

Also, this house comes with the benefit of needing many things fixed. This means that I get to spend lots of time digging, and pulling, and scrubbing, and building. All of this adds up to more calories burned.

Of course, there's also the horse issue. Ryan has firmly told me that a horse is a big responsibility. It is my job to feed him morning and night, and to play with him at least twice a week. That's an extra 3-4 hours per week that I have to be outside, on my feet and away from food.

I like my house.

More Thoughts on Exercise

2010-03-12T13:24:00.001-08:00

I have often professed that I do not like yoga. I have never had the money or the courage to go to classes at a gym, and the videos and books I have looked at seemed to me to be devoid of real instruction. Plus, I am naturally quite flexible, and so many of the poses seemed rather pointless to me. Plus, they have ethereal music and as I sit in each pose I find myself getting too bored to finish. It doesn't get my heart rate up. I never feel sore afterwards. It often doesn't qualify, to my mind, as exercise. However, I do like the idea of yoga. I think it is valuable to focus your breathing and to be able to move in every possible way. So, last time we went to the library, I picked up a 20 minute yoga makeover dvd featuring Sara Ivanhoe.

Today I unrolled my yoga mat (yes, I do have one... it's nice to have traction when doing the stretches I like to do) and attempted to follow along in her video. I found that I really liked it... at least, the first five minutes that I could keep up with. Her premise was, "I hear all the time from people who want the benefits of yoga, but don't have time for it." Hence, in this dvd, she sped up the poses and repeated several different "series" a few times and turned yoga into more of a cardio workout. Again, it was awesome for five minutes! Then I realized just how out of shape I truly am, and I watched Sara finish out the dvd and my daughter practicing her standing up skills. (She's getting pretty good... she held herself up for a couple of seconds without any help balancing.)

Anyway, as I sat there and watched, I got kindof excited. I maybe want to be able to do the things that Sara was doing. I certainly want to have the health that she has... but that's not enough. I know I stated in my last post that exercise is important to me, and that doing something I enjoy is key to exercising. Today, I guess, I took it a step further in my thoughts.

You see, it's really not enough, at least for me, to exercise just for the sake of exercise. If I'm going to run, I've got to love running. I've got to want to run that 3 minute or 7 minute or 10 minute mile. If I'm going to do yoga, I've got to want to do that hard pose that has eluded me. If I'm going to ride my bike, I... well, I love to ride my bike for the sake of riding my bike, but here's the kicker: riding my bike is boring if I don't have hills to test myself against. I'll bet the same is true with running... I wonder if I would like running if I had more hills on which to run? Probably not, but it bears some thought, don't you think?

Anyway, I've never really thrown myself into any physical discipline. I don't have the body for it. Isn't that ironic... I'd have the body for it if I'd throw myself into it... At any rate, I've never had a great sense of self-efficacy with any physical activity. (Self-efficacy, basically, is the sense that one is good at the thing they are doing.) Part of this, admittedly, is due to the fact that I'm well-endowed. Think about it. Running? Ouch. Swimming? Drag. Dancing? Umm... I just feel like I'm all over the place even when I try to be conservative. But it's more than that. I'm tall and wide. I'm not aggressive. In general, the sports where tall and wide are good things are the ones in which you're supposed to be aggressive.

Here's the point, though. I think it's okay to throw myself into a physical discipline. I think it's okay to find something physical, and challenging, that I'm not necessarily going to ever be the best at, but that I love and want to pursue. Animals will help in that respect in many ways, but I often don't think of working with animals as something that challenges me much physically. I get in shape enough to ride for hours, or to walk with dogs (or sheep, in my case...) and that's an end to the physical development. From then on, I work on training issues. They help me stay at a certain level, which is awesome, but they don't challenge me much beyond that level.

I think I want that. I want to step out of my comfort zone and throw myself into a physical sport that will challenge me physically and mentally and that will keep me coming back because I will now allow myself to develop a passion for it.

I think next on my list of things to do is to develop a list of things I enjoy or want to try and that I can devote myself to...

How cool!

Thoughts on Exercise

2010-03-07T20:04:00.001-08:00

I enjoy feeling my body move. I love being flexible, and strong, and having endurance. To this end, I enjoy bicycling, hiking, dancing, crunches, and horseback riding. I don't enjoy running, yoga, or exercise videos. In fact, I have discovered that when I exercise for the sake of exercising, I can maintain a schedule for about 3 weeks, if I'm feeling particularly disciplined.

There have been three times in my life when I've considered myself somewhat "in shape." The first was my Junior year of High School, when I was on the tennis team and our coach decided that what we didn't have in talent, we could make up for in sweat. We ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. (This is one of the reasons I know I don't like running for exercise!) We did drills running forward, backward, and sideways. We crouched, we danced on our toes, we did suicides. I was very in shape, very tan, and not very appreciative. The second was the summer my family and I went on a cruise. I spent months before hiking in the mountains around my apartment, trying to get "swimsuit ready." It was the first time I had successfully regulated myself into being in shape. The third time was just after getting married. I spent that summer riding my bike all over my neighborhood. That was great; not only was I able to get in some of the best shape of my life, I also had fun! I still want to go out and ride my bike, and nowhere in my mind do I think that it is an arduous task to be endured. Of course, the second and third times I was also working outside with horses 30 hours a week, walking around, riding horses, and mucking out stalls, all of which contributed mightily. Still, I was able to fit comfortably in size 10 pants for the first time in my life!

I recently watched a Lifetime movie about a girl whose whole life revolved around softball and getting a sports scholarship to college. She got injured and had to change tactics. Instead, she decided to enter a documentary contest. Her documentary was about fat people. Her theory was that if fat people were more people-oriented, if they smiled more, they wouldn't be made fun of as much and their lives would be easier. She put on a fat suit and went to summer school sporting hidden cameras in her glasses, backpack, etc. She, of course, learned that there were far more issues for fat people in society than she'd thought. She also learned that there was more to fat people than just eating too much. The take-away message I got was this: be nice to fat people, control your eating, and, really, only the jocks have good bodies and can focus on other things than their weight.

I didn't like it.

I'm not a jock. I've tried to get up at 6 in the morning to go walk, or run, or... something athletic. You know what I found? When I did that, I felt great for the first few days. Then, because I'm getting up so early and losing out on sleep, everything starts to deteriorate. I'm prone to depression, and never more so than when I'm sleep deprived. I need an average of 9 hours of sleep a night to be a normal person. I can technically function on less, but I'm not the only one who suffers when I try. Plus, I don't like running anyway. Even with the best of circumstances pulling for me, I just can't see myself putting in miles and miles on my tennis shoes or the treadmill.

Yet, exercise is important to me. I can see myself putting in miles and miles and miles on my bike... if it weren't so freezing cold outside. Admittedly, that tends to dampen my enthusiasm. I also could see myself going to a dance class or club. And, of course, I love to go outside and play with animals- particularly horses. To me, these things are fun and enrich my life in more ways than taking care of my body. When I do these things, I feel like I am reaching my best self, and that I want to share and play with others. To me, these things are a part of life well-lived. I would give much-and probably will, eventually-to build these things into my life in a way that they cannot be escaped, even when determination is low.

Not to Offend

2010-02-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

I apologize.

Okay, okay, so I may be over-apologetic in nature. It's entirely possible that I have nothing to apologize for, but in any case, I don't want to offend anyone.

In reading over and thinking about some past posts, particularly I Love You, I have come to realize that I may have offended some who read my blog. And so, because the offense was done via blog, I feel the apology should be done via blog as well.

I am sorry. I really don't want to offend.

I'm repeating myself.

Please know that most of my posts are the random ramblings of my rampant mind (how's that for alliteration?) and I'm just trying to work through life and its many issues. Please, take them in the spirit that they are meant. Take every word at face value, because I don't hide messages. I try to be very honest; I don't expect anyone to change their actions toward me or anyone else from the words I write. I figure I have far too much to work on in myself to be able to go around telling others what to do in any good conscience. I have much to learn, even when I resist it.

In all sincerity and whatever semblance of humility I can muster,

Chelsea

The Rules

2010-02-18T10:46:00.000-08:00

Number 1: Eat three meals and one or two healthy snacks every day.

Number 2: Meals each consist of 4 servings. One serving is about the size of your fist. One serving is grain. One serving is protein. One serving is vegetable. The last serving is either fruit or vegetable. (If you're still hungry after eating that plateful, go ahead and get a little bit more food... just try to keep it in the fruit or vegetable categories.)

Number 3: In between each bite, put down your fork (or food) and take a sip of water.

Number 4: Eat no more than 2 desserts per week. (Personally, if I'm going to eat desserts that way, I want to make sure that each one is the best dessert I've ever eaten!)

Number 5: Don't eat after 8 pm.

Tips and Tricks:
-If you get hungry when it's not mealtime or snacktime, drink a big glass of water and get your hands and mind busy doing something else. It helps if this is something that is incompatible with eating. Taking a walk, taking a shower, or going for a drive (away from fast food places) are good examples.

-Keep only healthy foods in the house. Get rid of the candy stash, the bag of Doritos, and the chocolate chips. If it's there, you'll eat it.

-Eat in the same place each time, and make eating an event. Don't eat while watching tv or reading a book.

The End.

I like it. It's simple, easy to remember, and remarkably easy to follow. I followed this diet 6 years ago and lost 20 pounds. I didn't get quite as far as I wanted to, but that was partly because my lifestyle changed dramatically and I never took the time to work these habits into it. Plus, I was getting a lot more exercise and didn't need to be quite as strict about eating habits.

Anyway, I've started in on it again. I started on Monday, and already I feel better. We'll see what the scale shows this week, but so far I'm hopeful.

Incidentally, I recently went to a gym where I was counseled on how to count calories and they got me set up with this online program to do so. The girl there told me that the fastest way to lose weight was to count calories, and that I should aim for losing one pound per week. Trying to go for more means exercising a ton.

Last time I did this diet, I lost an average of 2 pounds per week, and I wasn't doing much--if any-- exercising. And let's face it. This takes way less time, effort, energy, and anxiety than counting calories.

If you don't believe me, try it for one day, and see how you feel afterwards.

Measuring Cup

2010-02-17T12:45:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago, for a few weeks, I would diligently search out new recipes online, copy and paste them into a text document, and then print off several on one sheet. That sheet became my shopping list and recipe holder until I'd used all the recipes. It was great! I loved knowing that we had all the ingredients we'd need for everything I'd be making for the next several days.

Most of these were crockpot recipes, which was also great, because I'd cook in the morning and then in the evening there would be a fantastic meal just waiting for us. It was like I was cooking... but somebody else made the meal (which usually makes it taste better, to my way of thinking...).

But, as is usually the story, I found that I wanted more. I have my own recipes that I like. I don't always want to use others', and it's more trouble than it's worth to type recipes into a text document for a one-time use. Blech.

So, I went in search of a computer recipe database. I found Measuring Cup. It's a free download (for macs... I don't know if they have a PC version) that organizes your recipes the same way you'd organize your songs in itunes or your pictures in iphoto. It's brilliant. I'm excited to start using it.

Later. Right now, I'm in need of some girly time, so I'm going to go watch Jane Eyre and paint my nails. :)

Healthy and Wealthy and Wise

2010-02-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

Supposedly there are great blessings to be gained from waking up early and going to bed early. Yesterday, I tried it. I woke up at 6 am and went for a walk before Ryan left for work. It was awesome! Granted, it was freezing and my cheeks almost froze off, but it was still good. I felt like I did something productive with my day right off the bat. I had time in the morning to read my scriptures, which meant that I had time that night to write in my journal while Ryan was reading his own scriptures. (My journalling has been sadly off-kilter since getting married. I mostly got it back on track, but then Cara was born and I haven't been consistent since. This after 10 years of writing faithfully every night!) My entire day was better, and I was happy most of the day. Ryan even noticed the change in my mood. He assures me that I haven't been a pain, but that I seem much happier when I can get outside and move my body.

And so, this is my desire: I would like to get up early each morning and start the day off right. I owe it to myself and to my family to do so. Also, I think that if I can do that, perhaps I can earn the right to homeschool my kids someday.

That sounds a little twisted. I just think that, the way things are now, if I did decide to homeschool, we wouldn't end up starting school until 11 am, at which point half the day is wasted anyway. I would always be playing catch-up, as opposed to getting a jump-start on life.

It's not a goal, at this point. I'm not committed enough to it to make it a goal. But it is a desire, and enough of one that I've set my alarm for 6, and it's set to go off every day. Poor Ryan! It helps, even just having done it one day and knowing the benefits to be had. I want that.

I Love You

2010-02-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

I have been told several times, by sources I trust, that I have a great love for people.

My thought response to this is usually, "Really? I don't think so... but I'm glad you do, I think. I'm sorry I'm misleading you."

I suppose it's possible that I don't know what love feels like. Wierd, I know. To me, love is a great, burning, all-consuming emotion. Occasionally I feel bits and pieces of it. Even more rarely, I feel greater portions of it, and I always thank my Heavenly Father for it.

It's possible that, in the end, love is the thing that keeps you getting up each day, that keeps you doing the laundry and cleaning the bathroom.

But that just doesn't jive with my romantic heart. "The world moves for love and kneels before it in awe." That is one of my favorite quotes from The Village. Love is such a grandiose thing... laundry doesn't quite sum it up.

I digress.

It always takes me by surprise when a friend, and even occasionally a relative, tells me they love me. My thought response is one of two things, in that scenario. Either, "Really? I hadn't thought about it..." or "Oh. I don't know what to do with that. I suppose I love you... or I should... but my love for you will never be the kneeling in awe kind. Is that bad? Do I love you? Should I love you more? Aack! I don't know what to do!"

There are different types of love, I'm sure. I just don't know how to reconcile them in myself. It doesn't help that in all reality, laundry becomes such a monumental thing in the end. If I look at all the laundry I have already done for my small family, and then add to it all the laundry I will do over the years, I would probably kneel before it in awe.

What, then, is small love? What is big love? Aack! I don't know what to do!

Happy To Oblige, and Thanks for Asking!

2010-01-16T09:47:00.001-08:00

Well, here are the exercises I came up with. Feel free to modify them as you will, do them all twice, do them for 30 seconds, or shorter, or longer. I did them all for 45 seconds yesterday and a couple of times almost didn't make it through! (That is just as likely a function of the exercises being strenuous as me being out of shape!)

I would like to ask that if you use these, you send me an email or make a comment on my most recent post about how you like them, or what you would change. Feel free to ask any questions you may have; I tried to be clear in my explanations, but such things can be easily misunderstood.

Remember that these exercises are in no particular order. I shuffle the cards regularly. You may want to do a minute or two of walking in place just to warm up... some of these are a little strenuous to begin a routine with!

Okay, for the cardio section we have:
1. Plank, Jump to Stand, Jump: Put hands flat on the floor. Jump out to a pushup position (plank). Then jump your feet back up to your hands. Stand, jump, then repeat the move.
Variation (more difficult): Plank, pushup, jump-to-stand, jump: Do the Plank, Jump to Stand, Jump with the addition of a pushup when you are in plank position.

2. Sumo Walk: Stand with legs wide and knees bent. One at a time, raise your knees as high as they can go, then lower to the ground. Repeat as fast as possible. (Basically, you're walking in place with your feet wide and knees bent.
Var: Do the Sumo Walk, straightening legs to come to a wide-stance stand in between each step.

3. Jumping Jacks
Var: Jumping Jack Squat: Do a squat in between each jump.

4. Trunk Rotations: Stand with feet wider than shoulder width, knees bent, keeping hips stable and facing forward. Bring fists up to shoulder height, arms close to your body. Tighten abs and rotate trunk to left and right as fast as possible.
Var: Trunk Rotations with a Punch: Do trunk rotations. When you turn left, punch with your right hand and vice versa. Your hand should extend parallel to the floor.

5. Plank, Jump to Stand: Put hands flat on the floor. Jump out to a pushup position (plank). Then jump your feet back up to your hands. Stand, then repeat the move.
Var: Plank, Pushup, Jump to Stand: Do the Plank, Jump to Stand with the addition of a pushup when you are in Plank Position.

6. Trunk Rotations: Stand with feet wider than shoulder width, knees bent, keeping hips stable and facing forward. Bring fists up to shoulder height, arms close to your body. Tighten abs and rotate trunk to left and right as fast as possible.
Var: Trunk Rotation Kick: Do trunk rotations, letting the hips and legs follow your trunk to kick across the body.

7. Walk in Place
Var: Jog in place

8. Toe-Point Jog: Jog, kicking toes out in front instead of behind. Toes should be pointed and legs straight.
Var: Toe-Point Jog with Arm Raises: Do toe-point jog, raising opposite arms when legs move forward. (When right leg comes up, so does left arm and vice versa.) Raise arms up to the sky.

9. Hot Feet (Tennis): Hop from one foot to the other, on the balls of your feet. When one foot comes off the ground, kick it slightly off to the side. Legs should be kept straight during this exercise.
Var: Hot Feet (Football): Stand with feet wider than shoulder width apart. Bend your knees and waist, keeping your butt down. Lift one foot slightly off the ground, then lower it back down. Do the same with the other foot. Repeat as rapidly as you can. (To be authentic, hold your hands in front of you like you're holding a football in front of your chest.)

10. Lunges: Take a large step forward with one foot, then lower yourself straight down so your back knee almost touches the floor (or until your knees protest). Make sure your front knee does not go forward past your foot. Stand straight back up, bringing the front foot back to starting position and repeat with opposite foot.
Var: Cross Lunges: Lunge, crossing hands across the body and down while in the lunging position. When right leg is forward, bring hands to the outside of right leg and vice versa.

11. Sidestep: Step side to side, tapping the feet together between steps. (IE, step right, tap left foot right next to right foot, then step left.) Do this as fast as you can.
Var: Sidestep Butt Down: Step side to side, keeping your knees bent and center of gravity low and stable.

12. March in Place
Var: Jog Knees Up

13. Lunges: Take a large step forward with one foot, then lower yourself straight down so your back knee almost touches the floor (or until your knees protest). Make sure your front knee does not go forward past your foot. Stand straight back up, bringing the front foot back to starting position and repeat with opposite foot.
Var: Jumping Lunges: Lunge, then jump from the lunging position, switching your legs to land in a lunge with the opposite leg forward.

14. Jump Rope: Forget the rope, just pretend like you have one. Remember to turn the rope with your hands!
Var: Jump Rope Forward and Back: Jump Forward, then back to the same spot. For variety, do this in circles, always keeping your center.

15. Knees to Elbows: Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, hands at shoulder height outstretched to either side. Bring your left knee up and your right elbow in until the two touch (or as close as possible). Return to stand position with arms outstretched, then repeat on the other side. Repeat entire move as fast as possible.

Strength Training: Unless otherwise specified, the variation of all of these is just to add weights. This way, you can add a can of soup or a 50 pound dumbell, at your discretion.

1. Lat Pull Lunge: Do a lunge with the right leg forward. Rest the left hand on the right knee; let the right hand hang to the ground. Slowly bring the right hand back and up toward the sky. You can either keep your arm straight or bend the elbow. Also, you can bend at the elbow, bring your arm back as far as possible, then straighten your arm.

2. Side Plank, Left Side: Start in Plank. Rotate your body to the left and stretch your right hand up toward the sky. To make this easier, you can do side plank from your knees, rather than your toes.
Var: Side Plank, Left Side, With Leg up: Do side plank. Raise your right leg to varying degrees.

3. Side Arm Raises: Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Bring hands up to shoulder height, keeping them out to the sides. Then bring them back down. Palms should face down.

4. Squat: Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Bend at knees, keeping back straight. Hold arms out straight in front, eyes facing forward. Hold position.

5. Side Plank, Right Side: Start in Plank. Rotate your body to the right and stretch your left hand up toward the sky. To make this easier, you can do side plank from your knees, rather than your toes.
Var: Side Plank, Right Side, With Leg up: Do side plank. Raise your left leg to varying degrees.

6. Bicep Curls: Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Form loose fists, palms facing awa from your body. Bring fists up to shoulders and back down.

7. Reach Up Level Down Front: Raise hands above head, palms forward. Slowly lower them forward, keeping arms straight, to shoulder height. Return to raised position. Repeat.

8. Heel Kick Up, Right Side: Lift right leg up behind you, then lower back to the ground. Repeat. (If you have a resistance band, try hooking it around your foot for a variation).
Var: Superman, Right Side: Extend arms straight up to the sky. Then bend forward at the hips, leaving left leg on the ground and extending right leg out behind. Your body should be in a straight line from your fingertips to your right toes, with right angles where your left leg bends from your body.

9. Sword Pulls, Right Side: Stand with legs wider than shoulder width. Reach right hand down past left knee and then up to the sky on the right side. It should look like an exaggerated disco move, or like a sword being pulled and brandished.

10. Plank
Var: Plank with Elbows Bent: Keep elbows tucked in close to body.

11. Reach Up, Pull Down (sides): Hold hands above head. Pull elbows down to shoulder height and push back up again. Repeat. (This one works great with a resistance band, too. Just hold it between your hands so that when you bring them down, the band stretches between them.)

12. Heel Kick Up, Left Side: Lift left leg up behind you, then lower back to the ground. Repeat.
Var: Superman:Superman, Left Side: Extend arms straight up to the sky. Then bend forward at the hips, leaving right leg on the ground and extending left leg out behind. Your body should be in a straight line from your fingertips to your right toes, with right angles where your right leg bends from your body.

13. Lat Pull Lunge, Left Side: Do a lunge with the left leg forward. Rest the right hand on the left knee; let the right hand hang. Slowly bring the left hand back and up toward the sky. You can either keep your arm straight or bend the elbow. Also, you can bend at the elbow, bring your arm back as far as possible, then straighten your arm.

14. Sword Pulls, Left Side: Stand with legs wider than shoulder width. Reach left hand down past right knee and then up to the sky on the right side. It should look like an exaggerated disco move, or like a sword being pulled and brandished.

15. Heel Raises: Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Raise heels to stand on toes. Lower and repeat.
Var: Heel Raise Plie: Do heel raises. In between each one, bend knees. Keep heels together and toes pointed out.

For me, it works best to have the basic exercise written on one side of the card, and the variation written on the other side. I actually found paper that is different colors on each side, to help me keep it straight. That way, when I'm doing a workout, if I come across an activity that is too easy, I can flip it to the other side without having to remember later which one I needed to switch out.

So, that's basically it; just alternate between cardio activities and strength building activities. Or not. Play with it... it's free, it's a good way to be active in a small space, and it's all for you!

Cheers!

The Importance of Being Full

2010-01-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

I spent all day yesterday in a battle with myself. My stomach said, "I'm hungry! Feed me now!" while my brain said, "Don't eat too much! Remember portion control!" As a result, I ate every hour or two, never enough to be satisfied, and I watched in horror as the calories piled up. By the end of the day, I gave up and made myself two packets of maple and brown sugar oatmeal. This was about an hour before dinner time. I was satisfied when I went to bed, at least. But I realized, through this experience, just how important it is to feel full. You see, if I had gotten a good breakfast in a timely manner, I would have felt better all day and not had quite the struggle with myself. In the end, I would have consumed fewer calories and eaten them in better ways. I would have eaten more vegetables and less... other things.

This morning, I have eaten a salad (don't knock it 'til you try it! A salad for breakfast is actually quite amazing.) and started off with two packets of oatmeal. Here's hoping that it will help me to feel satisfied all day so I don't have to fight with my stomach.

An Exercise Program

2010-01-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

Exercising these days is difficult. I don't have much space, or money, or the ability to go outside and run. What I do have, in short bursts, is time.

That's something, right?

The other day, I started looking at various exercise programs. One that has always intrigued me is Curves. While I've never actually been to a Curves gym, I have heard a few things about it. Apparently, you do different activities for a duration of a minute, or three, or whatever. I don't know how long each segment is supposed to last, but each workout lasts 30 minutes. In the "exercise circle", you alternate between cardio and weights.

That got the little wheels in my head turning. It seems like a good idea to do a varied workout like this; it keeps you from getting too bored, and while you can work your whole body, you don't get terribly worn out in just one. So I decided to create my own Curves workout.

It's kinda cool, actually. I just took a piece of paper and came up with 15 different cardio exercises and 15 different weight lifting activities. I came up with an easy and a difficult version of each one. Then, I wrote each exercise down on a card, with its variation on the back. I did use two different colors of paper, one for cardio and a different one for weights. Then, I just got out my little kitchen timer (which conveniently has a memory button on it) and started doing each exercise. Right now, I do each one for 30 seconds. It's not much for each exercise, but I get a decent full-body workout in 15 minutes... and I end up sweating by the time I'm done! The exercises don't get boring, because I do each one for only 30 seconds, and I can shuffle the cards to mix up the order in between workouts. If I notice that one is too easy, I just flip the card over and do the difficult variation. Eventually I'll work up to doing them all on difficult, then on doing them all for a minute. I can do them all through twice, or I can do each one for two minutes... there are all sorts of ways to mix it up.

Also, eventually I may get to a point where I make up a more difficult set of cards, or one for stretching, or... I don't know where all I might go with this. It's nice, too, because I can get my own full workout in front of a movie doing moves that are way easier (read: less complicated) than some of those aerobic videos.

I feel smugly creative. :)

The Shape of a Life

2010-01-11T14:38:00.000-08:00

"If you are not becoming the person you want to become, then you are automatically becoming a person you don't want to become."

These wise words were spoken on Sunday by a man giving a talk in our ward. The idea has stuck with me. He was talking about goals, and the committment to stick with them.

I have always loved this idea of becoming the best person I can be. I suppose this is a recreation of The Burden of Omission, but I have a deep-rooted desire to grow, to experience, and to be full. I know I cannot be everything all at once, but I don't even know where to start. And then I worry... if I follow my own goals, are those goals good enough? Are they the best that I can do with myself? For instance, I want to write a fantasy novel. I enjoy it... and there's something to be said for writing an entire book. That takes a lot of work! But, in the end, is it the best thing I can do with my time and talents? Might it not be better to write another book that is also floating around in my head, one that is meant to encourage and strengthen girls of all ages? Of course, who am I to tout ideas of self-worth and joy?

Or perhaps, since I am a stay-at-home Mom in a family that is currently broke, might it be better, at least for right now, to postpone the idea of writing a book and instead try to find a job that I can do at home? I worry about what will be the best use of my time, and in the end give up and instead re-read novels.

So here's the plan: When I look back on my life, I do want to see true enjoyment. I want to see the little moments spent with family and friends and hobbies that add up to a lifetime of goodness. I want to look back and not see any holes, any "I wishes" or sighs of regret. I want to know that I, myself, wrote a book, learned the piano, played with loved ones, and gave my whole heart to those I love. I want to like myself, my whole self, and in so doing be able to like others better. These are all goals that I can work on, right now, in my hole-in-the-wall little life.

Things would be easier, of course, if we had a house... if I could put Cara in her own room for a nap and not worry about waking her up with the sound of my typing, or if I could ignore the mess that perpetually clogs our little rooms. Things would be easier if my hip weren't hurting anymore and I could do more than walk at the gym. Things would be easier if... there's always an if. But if I wait for things to be better, they may not get any better. The time to work with is now. The circumstances won't make a book write itself or my hips suddenly get smaller.

I would love to do and be so many things... but I think, in the end, the most important thing will be knowing that I have done my best.

Sacrilege

2010-01-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

As a general rule, I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I think that if you are going to resolve to do something, you should resolve to do it today. If you're not planning to resolve to do something, New Years is not going to magically make it happen. In the end, you are left with a bunch of things that would be really good to do, but that you never quite had the emotional energy to follow through on. You end up with a mostly empty road paved with good intentions. At least, that's what I do... and I don't want to go any farther down that road, thank you very much!

However, this year I had a problem. For New Year's Eve, I made a chocolate cake. I halved the recipe, but it was still far too much for Ryan and I to eat that night. In the morning, I woke up and there was a chocolate cake staring me in the face. Very strange way to wake up. I tried so hard to convince myself that I wasn't going to eat a piece for breakfast. All the while, my brain was saying things like, "One piece isn't going to kill your diet. Ryan can't eat it all... he gets headaches from eating too much sugar. If I eat it now, it won't be looking at me later. You like chocolate! Give in and eat the thing!" I could feel my convictions crumbling.

And then, I stumbled upon the answer... Like monks of old who take vows of silence, I could take a vow to not eat chocolate! I know, I know, it's crazy. But here's the thing: I've always wanted to so something crazy, something personally enriching, something that others would not necessarily understand, something that I wouldn't understand myself until I undertook the trial. Also, I am working hard to lose a lot of weight... every piece of chocolate cake undermines that goal. Chocolate in and of itself is not bad, and I understand this, but chocolate is, inevitably intertwined with sugar until the two of them are inseperable. By cutting chocolate out of my diet, I would save myself hundreds, or thousands, or hundreds of thousands, of calories. Plus, that chocolate cake that was taunting me for breakfast would no longer be one piece of chocolate cake... it represented a broken vow. I will not be defeated by something so trivial!

I spoke the vow, made the New Year's Resolution, did the dreadful deed that earned me the ridicule of all chocolate believers and the respect of health gurus, and defeated not only one piece of chocolate cake, but hundreds of pieces of candy and cake and hot drinks throughout the upcoming year.

I feel empowered.

The End.

Amendment

2009-12-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I should say, "I love my body as long as I don't have to get dressed up to go somewhere, at which point none of my nice clothes fit me and I come close to having a panic attack." Oh, for a gym membership!

A Funny Thing Happened...

2009-12-17T21:09:00.000-08:00

not on the way to the forum, but it was funny nonetheless.

I have spent many many years of my life hating my body. I was always the "chubby" friend. In part this was because my friends were teeny tiny, but I have always been the big girl. I towered over everyone in my third grade class except for one black boy who was only taller than me because his hairstyle went two inches above his head. That was my profile.

In psychology, it is a commonly accepted fact that in this society, girls who get big fast have a harder time than those who stay small longer. The reverse is true for boys. In our society (and probably in many societies) boys should be big and strong and girls should be petite. I learned this for the first time in one of my classes and my only thought was, "duh!" Well, that and, "I pay to learn this stuff?"

I did everything I could think of to control my body so that I would look decent. After I got married, I started counting calories and riding my bike regularly, and that, combined with my job teaching horseback riding (which included riding horses and cleaning the barn) got me down to a size 10 pants. Woohoo! I was thrilled. And still not content. I still hated my body.

Fast forward to pregnancy... I apparently looked better than a lot of girls do when they're pregnant. I had many people tell me I didn't look pregnant even at 6 months. But I still got pretty large. After Cara was born, I didn't lose the weight. I had gained 30 pounds, and didn't have a way to work it off. I still have a belly. I have flabby skin and stretch marks. I don't fit into 95% of my clothes.

And somehow, for some bizarre reason, right now I love my body. I don't necessarily love that I'm flabby and out of shape, and I get annoyed that I don't fit into my clothes, but I love my body. I've tried to get back into hating it for the past 5 months, and it didn't work. Then again, hating it into submission before pregnancy wasn't the most successful thing I've done, either.

Maybe I just knew that I was going to lose control of my body for 9 months, and so during that time I let my hate fade. Maybe my emotions know more about what's important than my logic does, and is applauding me for using my body for something better. I really don't know what's going on. It's really wierd.

Regardless, I kindof like it. It's like a guilty pleasure... loving my imperfect body.

Oh, I'm not giving up. I'm still learning what I can about eating healthy, and I'm doing what I can to exercise right now. I recently saw a friend who went down to a size 2 from her familiar size 10 and looked absolutely amazing. She's my inspiration right now, and I find myself daring to think that maybe I could get all the way down to 150 pounds. That would mean losing 55. Who knows? Maybe my body will feel the love and work that much harder.

Homebound

2009-11-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Like the binding of a favorite book, each chapter tied neatly in its place. Dinner. Dishes. Clothes. Email. Such has become the story of me. My pen wanders, at times, the end chewed and worried, to places unknown and somehow bigger, but always snaps back at the cry of a child, the empty light of my gas tank. I smile as I look into the distance; I smile as I return my gaze to the familiar pages of my life, a faraway look in my eyes. And happiness, if not content, nestles deeply into my heart.

Princess in Progress

2009-11-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

My favorite book? I'm glad you asked. My favorite book of all time is, hands down, A Little Princess.

But, Chelsea, that's a children's book! Isn't there something more... well... sophisticated?

Of course. I also love The Scarlett Pimpernell, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Wheel of Time, and Jane Eyre. Delightful stories, all. Well, maybe Dorian Gray is not really a delightful story, but it is fantastically well-written.

Here's the basic plot of A Little Princess: A little rich girl gets sent to a boarding school in England by her father who loves her very much and wants to get her out of the Indian air which is supposedly bad for children. While she is there, she is spoiled and pampered by all things money can buy. However, she is a very smart girl who excels at her studies regardless of the treatment. She gets word on her birthday that her father has died, and, for political reasons, the owner of the boarding house turns her into a scullery maid. She is insulted, starved, and worked almost to death. A few years later, an old gentleman next door takes pity on her and improves her life. It turns out that he is actually looking for her, though he didn't realize she was the one he sought. He was friends with her father and took control of the fortune that should have been Sara's. Once he realizes who he has been silently benefacting, he takes her in and restores to her what was rightfully hers.

So why do I like it so? Sara Crewe herself is the reason I like it. She is true to herself, to the best of herself, in any circumstance. When she is spoiled and pampered, she is kind and generous. She works hard. She wonders and imagines what it would be like to be poor and to have a difficult life. She sets herself apart, not because of her riches, but because of who she is. Her riches complement her personality, rather than the other way around. When she is a poor, starving servant girl, she again rises to the best that is in her. She is unfailingly polite, and kind, and instead turns her imagination to a higher purpose. Rather than imagining that she still has money, she imagines that she is a princess. And in her mind, being a princess means acting out of the best that is in her. She would not give in to her temper; she would not wallow in self-pity. She would give all that she has to give, even when all she has is a quiet "please" and "thank-you" for the crust of bread she is given for dinner.

I have always admired that sort of unfailing optimism, and commitment to goodness, and the view that things can always be made better by one's own thinking.

Would that I, too, can be such a Princess.

A Good Mom

2009-11-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

I love my little girl. I love her smiles, her joy, her innocence. I truly don't mind the dirty diapers, the spit-ups, or the... well, what else is there to mind, really? She's just so fun.

And yet, the thought of going through pregnancy and birth again terrifies me. I will do it, because I have more children that need me, that need our family. I will love them, too. I do love them. I want them in our lives.

How do I explain this? My pregnancy experience was easy, compared to many that I have heard. I threw up maybe 5 times during the whole thing. One of those times I was a week or so before giving birth, and it was because I was truly sick. Another time I was carsick and that was just amplified by the pregnancy. My worst complaints, really, were feeling tired and unable to move. I will admit that my back got thrown out of whack at some point, and it still troubles me to this day, but other than that, I had very few problems.

Delivery was the same way. I was induced, somewhat against my will, but overall I believe things went very well. I didn't ask for any drugs. I didn't scream. I tore a little bit, but it wasn't anything drastic. The nurses all said I did a fantastic job. Technically, the record says my delivery lasted 7 hours, but the first 5 hours of that I was on pitocin which didn't do much of anything. I felt irregular contractions similar to the ones that I had been feeling for weeks. Ryan and I played games and watched a movie. There was no pain. From the time the midwife broke my water (and the pain began) to the time Cara was born was a scant 2 hours. It only felt like an hour, to me. An exhausting hour, to be sure, but an hour nonetheless.

So here's the thing... with such ease in both pregnancy and delivery, why am I so terrified? I am sitting here right now, four months later, fighting tears at the thought that I will have to do this again. Every story I have read from mothers, every mother I have talked to, have all made it seem a much more joyous experience than I could extract from my own. One girl even said that the day after giving birth, she thought to herself, "I could do that again." The day after!

The world is filled with evidence that my feelings either do not last or are not normal. There are so many families with more than one child. I want that. I want a big happy family. I am excited to be Mom, to help my children learn and grow and experience and to know that whenever life is hard, they have a family that loves them, and that helps. I just... I can't stomach the idea of going through that again. Sometimes I think I could deal with the pregnancy, but I follow it through to the idea of giving birth and I lose my nerve.

Of course, then I wonder what is wrong with me. The people I most admire in this life are those that can take joy in the hard things in life. I don't mean those that are masochistic in any way, or those that fake joy. I mean the ones that can look at hard situations and see true goodness. My own mother, for instance, said her children never had "terrible twos". Her children were all "terrific twos". This has nothing to do with us as children. Two-year-olds are two-year-olds, no matter how you slice it. But she knew how to control or channel the difficult behaviors and was instead able to focus on the fact that it was a stage of such learning, and growth, and discovery.

Along the same lines is the blog of a woman that I really admire. I've never met her, but I am coming to know her through her posts. She is a Mother Poet. She seemed to get a euphoric high out of pregnancy, giving birth, and nursing. She loved them all. She recently wrote about being in the next stage of life, the stage after giving birth and instead giving life. She looked back at the childbearing years with nostalgia. I, instead, look forward to them with dread. I can't wait to get to the point when I can put childbearing behind me. There is so much more to do with life; pregnancy seems to just put everything on hold.

I am a good Mom. I am a good person. I tell myself this to get through the emotions that plague me. Sometimes I even believe it.

What can I tell myself to help me gain the courage to bring the rest of my family into this world?

Get Real

2009-11-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

Cheaters never prosper. The truth shall set you free. Be true to thyself it will follow as night the day: thou canst not be false to any man.

I bought my bathroom scale at Shopko. It cost me five dollars. I love it. I have discovered that by standing on it a certain way, I lose 15 pounds. I put my heels together and lean my weight back, like I'm doing some absurd ballet move. "I weight 189! The scale says so!" Except that when I step on the electronic ones, the reading is quite different, and I can't fool it into saying something more appropriate. If I weight 189, I only have 19 pounds to lose. However, if I only weigh 189, my pants should fit much better than they do, and I don't feel quite the need to work off my weight.

Last week, I decided to stop pretending, to "get real" about my weight, as the book I am following urged me to do four weeks ago. I have lost a few pounds, I believe. But I am not quite where I've been pretending to myself that I am. I do have several challenges to overcome, and I can do it. I can fit back into my size 10 pants... although I am going to have to revise my time schedule. But that's okay. The results will be worth it.

The Long Haul

2009-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Last week I didn't feel like I did well at all with the weight loss thing. I had a hard time exercising, and my eating habits were all over the place. By Friday I had resigned myself to either not losing anything or, possibly, gaining a little bit back. I kicked up my efforts a little bit Saturday and Sunday, and figured it was okay because I was ahead a little bit on my schedule anyway. Of course, this got me thinking about what it really means to lose weight. One of my favorite parts of the Dr. Phil book is when he talks about habits. See, it takes a long time to get fat. Consequently, you can't expect to get thin overnight. It's definitely easier to get fat than thin, but better to get thin (by being healthy and making good choices). Hence, if I'm going to do this right, I am in it for the long haul, and I'm okay with that.

Also, I would like to fulfill a couple of assignments in Dr. Phil's book. The first is to fantasize. I love this part. The instructions are to dream about what you would like to feel once you have attained your goal. You see, losing weight is not about how you look. In the innermost heart, you don't care what you look like. You care about how you feel. So this is what I want:

A. I want to slide right into my size 10 jeans without it turning into the pants dance. I don't want to jump, do squats to stretch them, or lay down to flatten my belly enough to squeeze those buttons closed. I want to finish buttoning my pants and not feel like a muffin that has exploded over the sides of the pan. I want to put on my shirts and not have to worry so much about the unsightly bulges. I want to feel like I can walk into my closet and put on any of my clothes and be both decent and attractive. I want to go shopping for clothes and not feel like I am completely out of place because nothing there was meant to fit somebody of my shape and size.

B. I want to know that I have control of my body- before I have my next child. I feel almost certain that if I lapse into complacency now, after having gained 20 unwarranted pounds, that each subsequent child will gain me another 20 pounds and I will never again find the will and control or even the desire to be the healthiest, best me I can be. I want to know that I can control my weight and my body. I want to know that I can orchestrate my life such that I can eath well and take the time to exercise, not only for me, but also for my family.

C. I want to feel like I can move. There's something delicious about being in shape, and strong, and flexible. I love being able to do physical labor, to get on a horse, to get down on the ground and up again with ease. When I am strong and flexible, I get a little thrill every time I bend over to touch the ground and my legs remain straight.

The second assignment is to analyze your eating habits. Basically, you answer the five questions you would ask of any journalist on any random story.

How: I tend to eat without thinking about what I'm doing. I enjoy doing other things while eating: reading, working on the computer, or even watching movies. Often I eat while feeding Cara. However, I have become more aware of the eating process.

Where: This is difficult for me right now, as we don't have a table and we eat on stools at a bar. Hence, I tend to eat on the couch or the computer chair, especially when Ryan is not at home.

What: I have actually been getting better at this. I have incorporated more fruits, vegetables, and proteins into my diet, which is good. Unfortunately, I also still eat grains in disproportionate amounts.

Why: Food is comfort for me. One of my favorite activities has always been to sit down with a book and a bowl of dry cereal. And I'll often go back for another bowl or two. I eat when I am stressed. In fact, right now as I write this, I feel myself getting stressed and my first thought is what we have in the pantry...

When: I like to sleep. And lay in bed and read books. Plus, I have to feed Cara. Hence, I often don't eat breakfast until 10 in the morning, which throws the rest of my eating schedule off for the day.

I'm sure much of this looks unnecessary and irrelevant, but I have always enjoyed figuring out exact problems and then taking practical measures to fix them. On the plus side, since going through this plan the first time, and losing 20 pounds with it, I have become much more aware of my eating habits. I need to master as many of them as possible if I am to be truly healthy. And this journey may take my entire life, with periods of ups and downs. Right now is an up, and I will learn as much as I can.

The Burden of Omission

2009-10-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

"The only things I regret from the past are the things I didn't do."

These words were spoken to me by a 17 year old girl who had no idea the impact they would have on my life or how they would stick with me. She had spent too much of her high school life going to parties, sneaking out of the house, and not doing her homework. She was in the process of trying to turn herself around, and made that statement in regards to the things that she knew she was supposed to do. The interesting thing, to me, is that with all the things that she had in her past, all the mistakes she had made, she only regretted the things she had failed to do.

In the Church, we often talk about what it means to sin. We all know the basics: Don't drink. Don't swear. Don't wear immodest clothes. Don't kill, steal, worship false idols, or lie. These would all be sins of commission- things we do that we aren't supposed to. Of course, we also talk about the things we should do: Be kind and loving. Study your scriptures. Pray always. Go to Church. Fulfill your responsibilities. To not do these things would be sins of omission.

We all know the consequences of sins of commission. First, there are temporal consequences. We find ourselves in some kind of bondage, be it inappropriate friendships, addictions, jail, etc. There are also spiritual consequences. We are unable to see clearly, to feel the Spirit, to know the goodness within us or around us.

But lately, I have begun to feel the consequences of sins of omission. I'm not sure that "sin" is exactly the right word for such a circumstance, but then, I don't know everything. We have all heard that nowhere is there a gravestone that says, "I wish I would have worked more." In the end, the things that really matter are people, truth, and goodness. In the end of things, or even in the middle of things, I will never wish that I had spent more time watching tv, more time on the internet, or even more time playing solitaire. In the end, I will wish that I had loved more, taught more, and experienced more. I will either wish that I had taken better care of myself or be grateful that I had taken the time I needed to take to be healthy. I will either wish that my kids knew more and were better prepared, or I will be grateful that they are capable and know that they are loved. I will either wish I had done more with my time, or I will be able to look back and say, "I did everything I could. I didn't know how I could do any better than I did. And, as I did, I learned and became able to do more and to do better." In the end, I will either have fulfilled dreams and goals, or I would have wished that I could have dreamed and made goals.

I am 26 years old right now, hopefully not yet at the halfway point in my life. I have a few goals, and many dreams, and the biggest of those have begun to be fulfilled. Yet, I have a whole life still ahead of me. I have hundreds of days, thousands of hours yet to be filled. How will I fill them? What kinds of activities will lead to the day when I can look back on my life and be satisfied? How can I come to the point when I both hear, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," and can be able to accept it with grace because I know in my heart that, while my life was not perfect, it truly was the best I could give? Such a moment, I think, would be far greater than I now understand.

A Mother's Prose

2009-09-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

For nine long months, I carried you, Daughter.
I felt your movements; I heard your heart beating.
I hoped for you, wished for you, prayed.
My life inexorably changed in those nine months alone.
My dreams, my interests, my body no longer my own.
I gave myself to you.

And then, one day, you came to us in truth.
Your cries and squeaks were so small, so consuming.
We all fell in love; we all floundered in the dark.
So much to learn! So much to do!
The wonder of you gets swallowed in the details.

But you continually grow, leaving yesterday behind.
We all do, I suppose.
With the house always a mess, and eyes bleary from lack of sleep,
I look up from my chores to meet your eyes
And find that I live for your smiles.

Exercise? Pah!

2009-09-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

So, the bike riding thing didn't really work out. I got a major cramp in my shoulder and couldn't turn my head for about a week, and then it rained every day for another week. However, I did manage to lose a pound. I did that doing what I can/remember from Dr. Phil's diet plan. I am currently re-reading that book, and loving it! I mean, who doesn't love a diet plan that doesn't require willpower? Awesome.

Hobbies

2009-09-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal: I have many hobbies. I enjoy sewing, organizing, camping, exercising and wellness, ceramics, and cooking. I love working with horses, reading, writing, watching movies, and hanging out with my absolutely wonderful family. As a mother, I can't focus on each of these as much as I would like to. Also, as a mother, I believe it is important to focus on them as much as I can. This will not only help my sanity (thus keeping me more pleasant with my family), it will also help my family to understand the importance of enjoying life, of constant improvement, and of discovering and developing their talents.

As I said before, I enjoy organizing, weird though that may be. And so, as I work to improve myself and my abilities, I will do my best to document them. This will help to keep me accountable to myself as well as show how my talents improve from this point forward. It will also help me to prioritize and see where I spend my time. Hopefully, I will come to know myself better and also become a more round person. Well-rounded. Something. :) Stephen Covey would be proud.

To begin, I must start with a story, because that's who I am. :) Yesterday, Ryan and I went to the Temple. It was my first time going in months- understandably, I believe. I went to get dressed for the trip and ended up having a panic attack because I couldn't fit into any of my clothes. I've been just getting by for the last two months, wearing clothes that are not terribly attractive... and wearing them in the wrong places. Like a skirt that is supposed to sit on my hips, but that ends up just under my ribs because that's the only place the waistband would fit. I ended up wearing an old skirt that couldn't zip up all the way and a stretchy shirt. It worked, but I avoided mirrors as much as possible. It seems such a minor thing to be worried about, but one year ago I fit comfortably into size 10 pants. I felt so much better about myself. I had worked hard to get there! Now, I don't even fit comfortably into my size 12s. And so, my goal is to fit back into my size 10s. I am not attaching a timeline to this at the moment, because I have some added challenges from the last two times I lost weight. Really, they're all encompassed in one word: Cara. My wonderful, beautiful, happy daughter. I don't have the freedom of time that I used to have to go exercise whenever I wanted for as long as I wanted. Also, I have to maintain a certain number of calories to ensure that I can feed her. Getting my body back will do me no good whatsoever if I put her in any kind of danger. Hence, for the first little while, I am simply going to figure out how to start shedding excess pounds. The first thing I will do is start riding my bike, 3 days a week, for an hour a day. Wish me luck!

The Beginning

2009-08-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

I have high hopes for this blog, but, as I don't intend to share it just yet, this first post is utterly unimpressive.